The Even Hundred
By Patrick Martin
This takes place in a coffee shop. Jeremy and Greg are sitting at a table. Greg is drinking coffee. Jeremy is drinking water. Across the room Michelle is sitting with two of her friends. She’s laughing at something. Michelle spends a lot of time laughing.
Greg: Come on man, talk about it.
Jeremy: No.
Greg: It’ll make you feel better.
Jeremy: No.
Greg: You’ll be my best friend.
Jeremy: I’m already your best friend.
Greg: Then you should have no problem talking to me.
Jeremy: No.
Greg: You’re starting to annoy me.
Jeremy: evil smile Good.
Greg: Why won’t you talk?
Jeremy: I’m not going to be that guy.
Greg: What guy?
Jeremy: The guy you over hear in the next booth talking about his last relationship. The one who swears he got the upper hand in the break up and is better off with out her or the one who can’t believe it’s over. So he spends half the night saying he’ll do anything to get her back and the other half saying he’s going to die. You know the one who makes you want to scream, “get over it!” That guy.
Greg: Oh, that guy.
Jeremy: Yeah. Let’s just drop the subject, ok?
Greg: But you just ended a two-year relationship, there has to be something you want to talk about.
Jeremy: Not here.
Greg: Why not?
Jeremy: Because I’d be that guy.
Greg: I don’t buy that excuse.
Jeremy: You don’t buy that excuse?
Greg: I don’t buy it
Jeremy: Why?
Greg: You hate talking about what’s bugging you. “That guy” is just an excuse.
Jeremy: I’m not getting out of this am I?
Greg: Nope
Jeremy: God does that girl do anything but laugh?
Greg: Now we’re getting somewhere.
Jeremy: No, not Sam, that girl across the room. She’s been laughing almost constantly since we got here.
Greg: So?
Jeremy: Doesn’t that annoy you?
Greg: I just tuned it out.
Jeremy: How? That’s probably the most annoying laugh I’ve ever heard.
Greg: I didn’t notice.
Jeremy: She stopped, thank god.
Greg: Good then you can start talking about Sam.
Jeremy: Since it will make me feel better
Greg: Exactly
Jeremy: Sorry.
Greg: I’m not letting you off with an apology.
Jeremy: I can always change the subject.
Greg: I won’t let you. Now start talking.
Jeremy: Oh please, you have the shortest attention span in the tri-state area.
Greg: No I don’t.
Jeremy: Yeah you do, remember debate?
Greg: Yeah what about it?
Jeremy: You lost a round because your opponent’s comments reminded you of a Jerry Springer show you once saw.
Greg: So?
Jeremy: You were debating energy!
Greg: Ok so maybe that one time. Name another
Jeremy: Right now.
Greg: Greg opens his mouth to protest but realizes Jeremy is right damn
Jeremy: You wish you were me.
Greg: No, not really.
Jeremy: Don’t lie
Greg: It’s true.
Jeremy: Really?
Greg: Yeah, I have no trouble discussing my problems.
Jeremy: You’re an asshole. You know that right?
Greg: Yeah, but I’m good at it.
Jeremy: And that makes it ok
Greg: Of course.
Jeremy: Sometimes you scare me.
Greg: I try.
Jeremy: In that case, stop.
Greg: Talk about Sam and I will.
Jeremy: Fine, you win. I’ll talk.
Greg: Good, I can’t take much more coffee.
Jeremy: How many cups have you had?
Greg: Four, which reminds me Greg stands up holds his cup in the air and shouts Waiter! Coffee! He sits back down. Everyone on stage looks at him.
Jeremy: That was rude.
Greg: It’s the fastest way. A waiter walks over
and takes Greg’s cup
Jeremy: I hope they spit in the cup
Greg: What?
Jeremy: Nothing
Greg: Um, ok, anyway shouldn’t you be talking about something?
Jeremy: Yeah, what- The waiter returns the cup
Jeremy stops mid sentence
Greg: to waiter Thanks. Waiter leaves
Jeremy: What do you want to know?
Greg: Why’d you stop talking when the waiter came?
Jeremy: I did?
Greg: Yes
Jeremy: I didn’t notice.
Greg: That’s weird. Anyway, back to Sam.
Jeremy: Ok but you haven’t told me what you want to know.
Greg: Anything.
Jeremy: Anything?
Greg: Yeah, what pissed you off? What did you like about her? What do you miss? What went wrong? Anything
Jeremy: There really isn’t much to say. We dated it was fun while it lasted and now it’s over.
Greg: I know you’ve got more on your mind then that.
Jeremy: No, sorry dude.
Greg: Look I know you. I know that something’s bothering you and that you are going fume about it. It’ll keep you up at night until finally after you’re exhausted and stressed you’ll get pissed off and yell at me. I don’t really want to listen to that, so whatever you’re sitting on, out with it.
Jeremy: So your concern is actually for yourself.
Greg: Is there something wrong with that?
Jeremy: Many, many things.
Greg: Then no. A waiter comes and refills Jeremy’s glass Hey how come you’re drinking water tonight?”
Jeremy: I think I’m addicted to caffeine. I went with out it for a couple days and got a bad headache. So I’m cutting back.
Greg: That sucks.
Jeremy: I wonder what she’s laughing at.
Greg: That girl from before?
Jeremy: Yeah, nothing can be that funny.
Greg: I don’t know, remember that Simpsons episode that kept me laughing for a week?
Jeremy: I wish I could forget. You spent the next six months saying, “We need pretzels! Repeat we need pretzels!” I almost killed you for it.
Greg: Aren’t you glad you didn’t?
Jeremy: I’m still deciding.
Greg: You know you love me.
Jeremy: I tolerate you.
Greg: I’ll take that as a yes.
Jeremy: Take it anyway you want.
Greg: I will. So, why are you obsessed with that girl laughing?
Jeremy: What do you mean?
Greg: We’ve come here three times a week for the past four months. We show up at eight and leave at closing. In all that time you have never commented on another table. A person could sing “The end of the world as we know it” backwards while tap dancing at the next table and you wouldn’t say a word. You’d notice them, maybe even look up, but you wouldn’t comment. Tonight a girl is laughing across the room, which really isn’t uncommon and you mention it twice. For you, that’s obsessed and I want to know why. Jeremy is about to say something Greg cuts him off You’re not allowed to say, “It’s nothing”
Jeremy: Damn.
Greg: It’s all I’ve gotten from you today.
Jeremy: Fine… Among the many complaints Sam had about me, number one was that I’m not funny.
Greg: What? You crack me up all the time.
Jeremy: Yeah, well I never could make her laugh.
Greg: We spend hours bouncing jokes of each other. How could she think you’re not funny?
Jeremy: She’s got a different sense of humor than we do. She thought you and your jokes were annoying, really annoying.
Greg: You’re kidding.
Jeremy: You were on the list she gave me.
Greg: She gave you a list?
Jeremy: Yes.
Greg: And I was on it?
Jeremy: Number twelve: your idiot friend Greg
Greg: Number twelve?
Jeremy: Number twelve.
Greg: I’ll try to score higher next time.
Jeremy: That was out of ninety-nine.
Greg: Oh is proud of himself you a second No wonder we never hung out together. Why ninety-nine?
Jeremy: She said I wasn’t worth the effort of an even hundred.
Greg: That was a bitchy thing to say.
Jeremy: And the other ninety-nine weren’t?
Greg: Right those too. So what did you do with this list?
Jeremy: I read the first fifteen, realized it wasn’t worth finishing and threw it out.
Greg: That was adult of you.
Jeremy: I thought so.
Greg: So you’re ahead of her in the maturity competition.
Jeremy: Since I didn’t give her a list.
Greg: Yep
Jeremy: I think she’s more organized than me though.
Greg: That’s not as important.
Jeremy: Then I’ll let her have that one.
Greg: That’s generous of you, but you can afford that.
Jeremy: What makes you think that?
Greg: You don’t need a list to show you’re a better person than Sam.
Jeremy: Are you trying to get me to say I’m better off with out her?
Greg: I might be.
Jeremy: Just be happy that you got me talking at all.
Greg: Ok fine… so what else was on the list?
Jeremy: Piddling stuff, I can’t dance, I never give her presents or take her shopping.
Greg: Ok, I can understand the dancing, but the other two… you spent a fortune on her.
Jeremy: Yeah, I guess gifts given on valentines day, birthdays and anniversaries don’t count.
Greg: I guess so, and didn’t you take her shopping?
Jeremy: Only when I couldn’t avoid it, each trip went exactly the same way. First she would complain about where I parked. Then she’d spend an hour in every department store, boutique and stinkums shop in the mall and she wouldn’t buy anything.
Greg: Stinkums?
Jeremy: Perfume places, or those stores with the fifty different types of scented hand lotion. They usually have peach, cinnamon, some type of berry and forty-seven combinations of those three. Anyway, then we’d go to a music store so I could pick up a CD. I always knew exactly what I wanted. It would take five minutes at the most, but she would spend the entire time asking me if I could get the disc some other time. Then she’d drag me to Victoria’s secret or some other underwear shop and figure out some way to disappear. I’d look at my watch and she’d be gone. When you’re a teenage male alone in a bra shop, people look at you like you’re a pervert or one smart ass employee would come along tell you they didn’t have anything in your size.
Greg: And no one was killed for this?
Jeremy: I usually said that I had my underwear custom made and wouldn’t be caught dead in their low quality trash.
Greg: And Sam didn’t think that was funny?
Jeremy: That was when she’d say “God why do you always have to embarrass me?” and storm out of the store.
Greg: At least you didn’t have to spend an hour in that store.
Jeremy: A small consolation.
Greg: Sounds like she was an ungrateful bitch with no sense of humor.
Jeremy: Yeah pretty much.
Greg: So what kept you guys going?
Jeremy: Now that I think about it, I really don’t know.
Greg: That’s almost as bad as responding with “nothing”?
Jeremy: Right, sorry. Maybe it was fear, or maybe we were just convenient for each other.
Greg: Convenient for each other?
Jeremy: Yeah, while we were dating we didn’t have to worry about finding someone else. That’s gotta be good for a year.
Greg: And the other year?
Jeremy: Like I said, fear. We were probably afraid that we wouldn’t find anyone else.
Greg: That’s very unlikely.
Jeremy: Yeah but paranoia is one of the things I do best.
Greg: You’re right about that.
Jeremy: It was complaint number five.
Greg: Your girl is laughing again.
Jeremy: I know realizes what Greg said My girl?
Greg: I thought it was better than the laughing chick.
Jeremy: Well you’re right about that.
Greg: You know, she is kind of cute.
Jeremy: Yeah keeps looking her way
Greg: Do you still think her laugh is annoying?
Jeremy: It grew on me. Michelle’s friends get up to leave
Greg: I bet you could make her laugh.
Jeremy: What are you getting at?
Greg: Nothing, I’m just saying that I think you could get her to laugh.
Jeremy: I broke up with Sam yesterday. Don’t you think it’s a little early?
Greg: You guys were finished three months ago.
Jeremy: But still-
Greg: I’m not saying you should ask her out.
Jeremy: Whatever you’re saying, I’m not doing it.
Greg: I can’t make you, but her friends are gone she needs something to laugh at
Jeremy: And you want that something to be me.
Greg: No not you, just your jokes.
Jeremy: You just want to see me embarrass myself.
Greg: I don’t want to see that. I have to go anyway. I got an early class tomorrow. Checks his wallet. I’m outta cash could you pick up my half the check?
Jeremy: Your half? I only got water.
Greg: So?
Jeremy: Water’s free; I have no half.
Greg: Ok fine can you pick up the check?
Jeremy: All right, but you better pay me back.
Greg: I will. Later man
Jeremy: Adios.
Greg exits, Jeremy sits for a minute, finishes his water, gets up leaves a couple of dollars on the table and walks over to Michelle’s table. Um…hello
Michelle: Hi
Jeremy: Um I was over there and I noticed your laugh Michelle looks offended Jeremy tries to recover It’s a beautiful laugh. I was just wondering if I could tell you a joke.
Michelle: This is an interesting pick up line. Does it work for you often?
Jeremy Oh, it’s not a pickup line… I mean not that any one wouldn’t want to pick you up… I just want to tell you a joke.
Michelle: I make it a practice not to listen to the amusing tales of men who haven’t introduced themselves. (Jeremy stands there confused. Michelle sighs) What’s your name?
Jeremy: Oh! I’m Jeremy.
Michelle: Hello Jeremy, I’m Michelle. That was a lovely introduction. (Pause) Now are you going to tell me the joke or not?
Jeremy: Yes tries desperately to think of a joke I probably should of thought of a joke before coming over here.
Michelle: Drawing a blank?
Jeremy: I wish, at least then I’d be drawing something.
Michelle: It’s ok; I don’t have anywhere to be just now.
Jeremy: If I had known that then I would have thought of a joke first.
Michelle: But you could always find someone else to tell your joke to.
Jeremy: I would probably forget it before I did. Then I’d have to spend the rest of my life trying to remember that really funny joke I was going to tell that girl in the coffee shop.
Michelle: And that would be tragic.
Jeremy: Yeah especially when I get older and my memory starts to slip.
Michelle: Why would that make a difference? I mean you couldn’t remember the joke before.
Jeremy: I wouldn’t remember that it was a joke. I’d be trying to remember something but I wouldn’t know what. Michelle smiles, chuckles whatever you want as long as it isn’t her full laugh.
Michelle: after a pause Still no luck with the joke?
Jeremy: None.
Michelle: Maybe sitting down would help you think better?
Jeremy: Can’t hurt. (Still standing.)
Michelle: I know you don’t like to be rushed, but the waiters keep having to get around you. Jeremy: oh right. Thanks. He sits
Michelle: That’s better, now I don’t feel like you’re hovering over me.
Jeremy: But it makes me feel so tall.
Michelle: I’m sorry I deprived you of that but people were starting to stare.
Jeremy: Yeah I think I got enough of that from my friend Greg tonight.
Michelle: Was he the one who so eloquently shouted “coffee.”
Jeremy: So you noticed?
Michelle: It was hard to miss.
Jeremy: oh, (beat) please don’t hold Greg against me.
Michelle: Oh don’t worry about it, it didn’t bother me. Of course I hope the waiter spit in his cup.
Jeremy: Not yet but I’m hoping.
Michelle: Well maybe you aren’t tipping enough.
Jeremy: Maybe. Anything’s possible with a twenty.
Michelle: Maybe you could pay someone to think of a joke for you.
Jeremy: Why, when I could steal one for free?
Michelle: Thrifty. You must be a college student.
Jeremy: Thrifty? Not really, but I am a college student.
Michelle: Freshman?
Jeremy: Is it obvious?
Michelle: It was a lucky guess.
Jeremy: Thanks for lying.
Michelle: Sarcastically But I wasn’t lying.
Jeremy: also sarcastic Oh, well then I’m flattered.
Michelle: How’s the joke coming along?
Jeremy: I kind of forgot about it.
Michelle: Forgetful too, you are a college student.
Jeremy: I don’t pretend to be anything else.
Michelle: What about a comedian?
Jeremy: Ok so there’s one exception.
Michelle: Isn’t there always?
Jeremy: Yeah
I guess so. Awkward silence
Michelle: So tell me about yourself.
Jeremy: Ok, but I’m not that exciting.
Michelle: So you’re more interesting as a mysterious stranger.
Jeremy: Pretty much.
Michelle: Why don’t you let me judge for myself?
Jeremy: Ok suit yourself. Thinks for a second about what to say. Well I guess you want the usual, where I’m from and such.
Michelle: That sounds like a good place to start.
Jeremy: Does this feel like a freshman mixer to you?
Michelle: Little bit.
Jeremy: At least I ‘m not the only one. Any way, I’m from nova. Not too exotic but plenty weird. I went to a pretty non-descript high school where I rose to no recognition. I was basically one of those guys that did too well to be concerned about but not well enough to be praised. I did reasonably well on my SAT’s and by the grace of god was accepted here.
Michelle: so far you sound a lot like me. Do you have any hobbies?
Jeremy: I play guitar reasonably well and I like to consider myself an amateur photographer.
Michelle: A photographer. Is this when you ask me to pose nude?
Jeremy: No, I usually take landscapes and nature shots.
Michelle: Good.
Jeremy: Nudes are voluntary.
Michelle: Pervert smiles
Jeremy: I’m kidding! Beat So what do you do for fun?
Michelle: Pose nude.
Jeremy: And I’m the pervert?
Michelle: You’re not the only one telling jokes tonight.
Jeremy: Really? Who else? Michelle lightly smacks him. OW!
Michelle: I didn’t hit you that hard.
Jeremy: I know, it’s my natural response.
Michelle: So you’re like Pavlov’s dogs.
Jeremy: Yeah, ring a bell for them and they drool, hit me and I say OW.
Michelle: Have you tested this theory?
Jeremy: No, it’s purely speculation
Michelle: Well then why don’t we experiment?
Jeremy: What?
She starts hitting him repeatedly Hey!
Ow! Stop that! Ow! Quit it! Ow! This
continues until Jeremy catches both of her wrists.
Michelle: It’s more like half the time.
Jeremy: You took way too much pleasure in that.
Michelle: No I didn’t. It was scientific research. It had to be done.
Jeremy: I’m sure a lot of people laid awake at night wondering if I said “OW” every time someone hit me.
Michelle: Maybe not at night, but it would definitely distract me in class.
Jeremy: I’d hate to interfere with your studies.
Michelle: So
you agree? It had to be done.
Jeremy: Would that make me a masochist?
Michelle: I don’t think so.
Jeremy: I still think you enjoyed that too much.
Michelle: That would make me a sadist.
Jeremy: At this point I’d believe it.
Michelle: But I didn’t hit you very hard.
Jeremy: That’s not much of a defense.
Michelle: I’m sticking with it.
Jeremy:
Suit yourself.
Michelle: I will smiles
Jeremy: I
think I’ve had that conversation with Greg once.
Michelle: Are
you comparing me to Greg?
Jeremy: panicking No, I was just saying
that-
Michelle: It’s ok; I don’t know him well enough to be
offended yet.
Michelle: I’ll do my best.
Jeremy: Thank you
Michelle: Who knows? Maybe I’ll like him.
Jeremy: Maybe. If you get past the waiter thing he’s actually a pretty decent guy… well not really, but he’s entertaining.
Michelle: I guess that’s important.
Jeremy: I think so.
Michelle: So you believe in having fun.
Jeremy: It’s my first priority.
Michelle: How do you keep from flunking out?
Jeremy: If I flunked out I’d have to get a job. Not a good job, it would be some minimum wage, nametag and hairnet job or worse I’d have to go into retail.
Michelle: I worked in retail.
Jeremy: Did you like it?
Michelle: No
Jeremy: Can you imagine anything worse?
Michelle: I don’t think I’d want to.
Jeremy: Yeah so writing papers isn’t so bad.
Michelle: So basically your life philosophy is based on the idea that nothing is worse than working retail.
Jeremy: Not all of it, but I need something to motivate me.
Michelle: I see
Jeremy: I know it’s a crackpot theory, but it’s my crackpot theory.
Michelle: I’m glad you realize that.
Jeremy: It only takes a few weird looks before you realize people think you’re nuts.
Michelle: A few?
Jeremy: Greg
and I get them all the time. Usually Greg gets them, but I’ve done my share of
stupid stuff.
Michelle: Oh,
really?
Jeremy: Yeah.
Michelle:
Like what?
Jeremy: You’re going to have to ask Greg for those
stories. He tells them better.
Michelle: And you want me to get the full
effect.
Jeremy: Yep.
Michelle: You’ve had some time now, have you thought of a joke?
Jeremy: No not yet. Pause ok I got one.
Michelle: Ok
Jeremy: Ok, so this goose walks into a topless bar and the bartender says “Hey! We don’t serve geese here!” so the goose said. “But the sign said come in and take a gander.” Michelle starts laughing. You actually liked that joke?
Michelle: No, that was the worst joke I’ve ever heard, but I think you’re funny.
Jeremy: That works for me.
Michelle: I should probably get back to my room. Would you walk me home?
Jeremy: Sure thing. Michelle leaves some money on the table and they exit.